~ A Free-Write Fable and a Dream that grows with time ~

(This fable brings forward the Lord, Jesus Christ and His miracle in my life that also grows with time...)

Once a woman wanted to become herself.  She didn't know how.  She didn't know anything.  She spent her life listening to others and doing what they wanted her to do.  She was very talented in many areas, but living with illnesses and abuses lead her down a myriad temporary pathways, of which she traveled seeking answers.  She found some answers, but these were not long lasting.  So, she went on.

Her travels always ended up the same place in consciousness: she thought that by continuing on the same way she would become herself.  After spending many years trying to get ahead by doing what other people told her to do she finally realized that traveling down 'the path to find an answer' only lead her to: forks in the road, directions that she had to back track and heartache she caused herself and others.  She cried time and again because all she seemed to do was hurt those she loved.  Nothing stayed the same and she always ended up apologizing to all for her actions.  She didn't learn anything that was lasting.  Everything she did lead to another thing, all brought about by her following other people's directions.  After following a direction that lead to misery and back she finally realized that all she needed to do was learn how to live for herself, and not follow the pathways that others thought she should do.  This last direction made her want to crawl under a rock, pull her lip over her head and forced her to cry buckets of tears.

For a year during all of these travels she found an angel who listened to her.  Over time she came to see that what the angel was doing was an important tool for her to learn about herself.  Even though her expression was marred the angel stayed to listen to her, and she wondered why this was, but he never told her.  Soon, he had had enough and told her to go away.  That only caused her hidden distress, which she allowed to show at times.  Finally, she realized that her time with the listening angel was finished, and she continued without him from then on.  To aid her the lady kept secrets with our Lord and received His Will in all she did. 

She sat on a curved tree in her forest, listened and waited patiently, and prayed, "I hold my service, and my book in my heart.  I pray that the right Godly thing be done on earth."  Then she thought, "Illness brings with it such a world of unknown things.  Life brings with it such a world of unknown things.  Put the two together and you get a world of unknown things...I have such a storehouse to share with others and I need to do this no matter what.  I need to learn about my illness, my service and my God more than I know now.

So, she signed up to offer her Writing Therapy(TM) service at her church (1st Lutheran Church of Port Orchard) starting in fall, 2004, and began a graduate program to learn Pastoral Studies (MAPS).  She prayed to God for all faith to do all the work that was needed.  The woman then walked home, made some tea and smiled, knowing that she had shared something miraculous with the Lord, and could now share God's knowing with others. 

The Listening Dream

One morning around 2 a.m. the woman awoke startled.  At 4 a.m. she began to write the following poem, which had been her dream, and after that was finished, 1 hour later she knew that: a miracle had occurred in her life although she couldn't see it, her time with the angel was complete and this poem was her last poem in her 3rd book of poetry, 'Inexpensive Entertainment.'  A whole lot of things had ended all at once.  Very cool...

This is a free-write poem written Wednesday, June 2, 2004, 4:30 - 5:45 a.m., All rights reserved.  'Listening' is a conversation between a turtle--Mother Earth (me) -- and Jamie, the Listening Angel). 

Listening

(plod, plod, plod...)

You know, life has been such a chore so far (munch, chew, chew...)  I can find better grass over there (she ambles over...)  Ummm, yes.  This kind tastes sweeter.  (Rustle, rustle...) My, what was that?  (She stops and looks around.)  Oh, it was nothing...

(An angel flies by, settles onto a nearby limb and listens...)

What a bitch...You know, this grass needs to be watered.  Doesn't the Warden know how to take care of these grounds? (She yawns.)  I'm so sick and tired, but nobody cares about that!  What a bitch...(She moves away and munches other leaves nearby, and then sees the Angel.)  Oh, hello.  Say, I've been trying to contact you...If you want to do something really needed, then why don't you check out the path I've just come down...You know, life isn't as easy as I was told it would be, especially when you've got a real hard shell to cart around like me.  I mean, can't the Maker make things easier, especially when you're sick...Anyway, what gives?

(The Angel silently listens.)

Got nothing to say, eh?  (Chew, chew...)  Well, as long as you're here, I guess I'll just ramble...(She stops, sniffs a new clover blossom, moves away and then sits and thinks...)  You know, this is getting boring really fast.  Well, if you've got nothing to say, then I'll just complain some more with some of my grief and bore you I guess.  (She starts telling the Angel a little of her life story, and without knowing it she blends wisdom with noise.  She then starts listening to herself and realizes what a fool she's been.  Soon, she realizes that she's now listening to herself and seems to not care if the Angel listens to her, but she does care even more so.)  You know, I've been telling you a mixed bag.  Don't you have anything to say to me?

The Listening Angel speaks: Take care of yourself.  I have to leave for a short time, but I'll be back soon (he flies off.)

(The turtle starts to wonder what's really going on.  She then bugs the Angel even while he's gone.)  Blah, blah, blah...and I get no respect.  I mean, what am I supposed to do just because I'm not a finished turtle but I have a dream, I don't understand what the right thing to do is, and I'm not done yet!

(The Angel flutters back and says:) I'm going to have to leave you now.  Don't contact me again.  You've got some problems, so be careful...(The Angel flies off.)

I can't believe this!  I mean really...This angel, smangel.  He's caused me a whole year of wondering what the heck has gone on here.  He stuck around never telling me anything about why he stayed here in the first place.  What a pain...I mean, what am I supposed to do now?  Did he teach me anything from all of his listening without telling me anything?  He was supposed to be teaching me something, right...I mean, he's a teacher, right?  Even though I'm not a paying student and this whole thing seems like it's a mystery...

Then, she gets a psychic cue, "Expression is a very specific event in someone's life."

(The turtle looks up, startled.)  Wow.  I didn't know that.  What have I been doing with him all this time?  This puts a whole new view on what I say now to other turtles.  I'd better tell the Angel even if he doesn't want me to contact him, and he doesn't want to know what I'm thinking anymore, but I've got to tell him...(The turtle stomps around to try to get his attention, rambles back and forth, sits down, goes through all of the meals she's had so far and remembers her expressions with the Listening Angel for the past year...) 

She cries out loud: What have I done?  Why didn't he tell me anything?  What was he getting from me and why did he keep me around for A WHOLE YEAR?  What he did isn't fair to me, especially to a sick person, and I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE 1.6 MILLION DOLLARS HE GOT FROM HIS GRANT...HE SHOULDN'T HAVE KEPT ME EXPRESSING TO HIM WITHOUT TELLING ME WHY I WAS DOING THAT!!  What he did doesn't seem ethical or moral!  On that basis I don't think any other open consciousness who acts stupidly (like I did), or ignorantly (like I did), or openly without knowing should ever go to him because just like he did to me, he may not ACT HONESTLY.  HE MESSED WITH MY LIFE and I have cried everyday, and he never said a word to me and he knew all the while that I lived with M.S. and other illnesses.  Looking at this time I ask myself, "What have I learned?  What should I do now to increase my own wellbeing that he apparently didn't care about helping me with at all?

What made me stay communicating to him for a year and even after when I still expressed such willingness to trust him was my faith that he would at least tell me that he was sorry.  Matthew 5 from the Bible says all that I can express now from this:      

"It hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.  But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you." Matthew 5:43-45. 

(pray, pray, pray.)

I pray for knowing His guidance and counsel as I take my next steps.

7/3/04: Given all of these notes, letters, words that I need to express and the fact that I've been summoned by God I see now that Jamie in my life was a God-send, a necessary time for me to begin to listen to myself and others.  That I wrote my yell to the Lord about how I saw Jamie's movement with me is vital self-help for me to listen to myself.

No matter what my life brings me now I am content to live in God's kingdom.  These words give to you God's way, however this appears for you in timely grace.